If I asked each of you to define what a friend is, I'm sure that I'd get a lot of varied answers because friendship can mean different things to different people. But there should be a few common factors such as love and support. If someone asked me what friendship means to me, I'd say love, trust, laughter, support and family.

Having come from a family crippled by the inability to show love and support, I've always relied on my friends for those very things. I'm not saying I don't love my mother, brother and sister because I do, but they've never been there for me, especially in the last nine months when I really needed them. I learned a long time ago that I can't rely on them so I stopped trying. That's what my friends are for. My two best friends know more about me than my mother does. Conversations with my mother and sister are often one-sided, on their side. I can't tell my mother anything that might cause her to lose sleep. Never mind the fact that I'm sick. Her sleep is more important. But my friends will let me ramble on, vent, rant and rage. That's what friends are for.

My best girl friend Lila and I have been friends for 24 years. We met in grade one and have remained friends ever since. I can count on one hand the number of minor arguments we've had and we've never had any major ones. She got married nine years ago and has had two kids, but we talk almost every day and see one another when we can. We've been there for for each other throughout the years. We've shared a lot -- from the loss of my grandparents to the birth of her children. The last couple of surgeries I had, she's the one who came to pick me up from the hospital and took me home. She's the one who worried about me because I live alone. And she's the one with whom I spent Christmas 2001 when my family decided to go out of town (separately) and leave me alone. I know that in Lila I have a friend forever.

I met Ann-Marie at my old job. What started off as dislike on both our parts soon to turned to like when we bonded over our mutual love of clothes and shopping. Ever after she quit her job, we still remained good friends, talking on the phone, taking weekend trips, etc... She got married in 1999 and got pregnant in 2000. She was due to give birth in March 2001. On her due date, she called me at work and said her contractions hadn't started so she figured the baby wasn't coming yet. We made a lunch date, which she ended up canceling a few hours later because she wasn't feeling well. That was the last time I ever spoke to her. During the next two weeks, I left her four messages and one on her mother's machine, but no one returned my calls. For the three months following that last call, I kept thinking maybe her baby had died at birth. I couldn't fathom why she wouldn't contact me unless something horrible had happened. Then a co-worker of ours saw her one weekend with the baby. Everyone was happy and healthy. I got angry, but what could I do? It's still an unsolved mystery for me. I never got closure. We weren't arguing, nothing was wrong with our friendship. So what happened? I have lots of friends who have had babies and this has never happened. For five years we were such good friends. I've since put her out of my mind because I know I'll never get the answers I so crave.

On August 21, 1998, I got a computer and became part of the Internet world. I was so excited, but little did I know that my world was about to be rocked. I didn't go looking for people to chat with. I went into a few chat rooms, but soon discovered that it wasn't for me. Then I discovered egroups for Backstreet and joined one for mature BSB fans. I became friendly with a fan I'll call Mary. Mary and I bonded over BSB, among other things. We'd talk on the phone for hours. She's the one who got me thinking about writing again, something I hadn't done since high school. That's the ONE thing I will thank her for. The only good thing to come out of what turned out to be six months of hell. I don't remember exactly how it started, but one day we were friends, the next she hated me. She put me through hell for a good two months, but it didn't die down for the longest time. Not only did she slander me on the internet, she turned everything around to make it look like I was nuts. She even went as far as telling saying that she was afraid for her life and the life of her kids because of me. Now I can laugh about it because it's so damn ridiculous, but back then I was freaked out.

Unfortunately, two other girls who I had considered good friends for the past almost three years, turned out not to be the friends I thought they were. I've always believed that it's when the chips are down and life is going badly and your friends are STILL there, despite what they may be going through in their own lives is when you know that person is a true friend. I understand that everyone can get self-centered and self-absorbed at times. Especially when you're going through a rough time. I've done it myself and I don't blame anyone for feeling that way. But there's still a way to show you care. We shared laughter and good times. All that came to an end between March and May of this year. Why? I haven't a clue. Maybe if they answered my emails, I'd have an answer.

I've mentioned on occasion the problems I've been having with my health and also finding a job. I've been out of work for 19 months. I was sick for the second half of 2002 with an infected cyst that resulted in my having surgery. It took me five months to recuperate and I'm still not 100%. Because of all this, I wasn't able to look for work until March. Since then I've been going through hell. No job and no money isn't exactly a moral booster. July was the worst month by far. I think I cried every damn day. I've been lucky to have the support of my good friends as well as the help of someone I've never met while others I thought were good friends simply fell away. I've since asked myself why should I care for someone who doesn't give a fuck about me? Friendship is a two way street. I've cried enough tears and I cry some more as I write this because it still hurts. If they're reading this, they'll know I'm talking about them. As for whether or not they care - that's debatable. I was really hoping that the common love for the Backstreet Boys that brought us together would outlast the group. I guess I was wrong.

There are a few other people I haven't spoken about here, but who mean a lot to me. One of them is my friend of 19 years Laura, who now lives in Toronto, and my "mom" from New Jersey, Emma. There's no major story here, just two amazing women whom I'm glad to have in my life.

A wise woman once said you can count on ONE hand the amount of people you can trust to always be there for you. This wise woman, whoever she is, was right. So thank you Lila, Dean, Loreto, Laura and Emma.

I also want to give a shout out to some other great people in my life: Michael, Stephanie, Johanna, Debbie, Brigid, Beth, Patrick, Manny, Gary and Kelly.

- Marie-Alicia, August 27, 2003