[Humoristic Quotes]
  • "If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?" - Steven Wright, Actor

  • "If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?" - Robin Williams

  • "Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'...they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git'. - Alexi Sayle

  • "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?" - Art Hoppe

  • "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman

  • "I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with." - Rodney Dangerfield

  • "I just thought of something funny...your mother." - Cheech Marin

  • "Women and cats will do as they please so men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein

  • "Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?" - Jay Leno

  • "It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen

  • "The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be insulting." - Amanda Cross

  • "Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them." - Lily Tomlin

  • "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" - Lily Tomlin

  • "Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." - Lily Tomlin

  • "Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it." - Lily Tomlin

  • "God make my words as sweet as honey for tomorrow I may have to eat them." - Unknown

  • "Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." - Bill Maher

  • "Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter?" - Unknown

  • "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin

  • "The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing." - Unknown (I could've written that!)

  • "If a person offends you and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures. Simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick." - Mark Twain

  • "Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning." - Unknown

  • "The word 'politics' is used to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'." - Sarah Brightman

  • "I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor." - Joan Rivers

  • "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened." - George Burns

  • "I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's." - Woody Allen

  • "If this is God's idea of a plan, I'd hate to catch him unprepared." - John Bloom

  • "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions." - Woody Allen

  • "I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose." - Woody Allen

  • "I like the word 'indolence.' It makes my laziness seem classy." - Bern Williams

  • "After meeting you, I've changed my opinion on birth control!" - Unknown

  • "Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid." - John Wayne

  • "Have you been marinating your brain in stupid juice?" Marie-Alicia -- yes, me :o)