~ Chapter 17 ~

Christine stood in the doorway of Kevin's bedroom watching him. He sat by the window staring out and didn't notice her. He had not moved in the two hours since the morgue had come to take Ashley's body. Christine swallowed the huge lump that had settled in her throat ever since Brian had called her with the news a few hours earlier. On one hand, Christine was glad that she had gotten to see Ashley one last time. She had stared at her sister's lifeless body, taken her hand, sung her their favorite childhood song, and kissed her goodbye. On the other hand, she was sorry she didn't get to talk to Ashley before she passed on. Tears started forming in her eyes once again. She looked over at her niece, who was now asleep on Kevin's bed. Her thoughts returned to the scene two hours earlier when the morgue had arrived. Emily had become hysterical. She had thrown herself across her mother's body, crying and screaming hysterically, "Don't take my mommy away!" Stephen had to administer her a sedative. He said she would sleep for at least six to eight hours. That poor child, Christine thought. Wiping away her tears, she took tentative steps towards Kevin.

Gently putting a hand on his shoulder, she spoke softly, "Kevin?"

He turned towards the sound of her voice, his red-rimmed eyes staring blankly at her. "Do you want something to drink?"

He shook his head and turned back to the window. Taking a deep breath, Christine sat in front of him and took his hands into hers. "Kevin, I know this isn't going to make you feel better, but I know how you feel. I loved her, too." She bit back a sob. "I'm so sorry Kevin. I wish I could make the pain go away."

Kevin lifted his head, the tears spilling out of his eyes. He moved towards Christine and she took him into her arms. His body began wracking with sobs and Christine thought her heart would break. "I know nothing I say will give you comfort right now. I was hysterical when Brian called me. My only source of comfort is knowing that Ashley is now out of pain and in a happy, safe place. I know I'll see her in heaven someday and so will you."

Kevin gulped back his sobs and looked at her. "I know you're right. I need to get this out of me now so I can be strong for Emily." He looked at the child sleeping on his bed. "Christine, I'm so worried about her. What if Ashley was wrong? What if I can't take care of her? What if all she wants is her mother back and she hates me?"

He trembled and put his head back on Christine's shoulder. "Kevin, try not to worry about that now. You'll make a great father. I've seen you with Emily. Ashley and I had a long conversation last week. I'll be here to help you with Em anytime you need me. I'll be here for both of you."

Kevin raised his head and said, "Ash told me all about the conversation you two had." Their eyes met and locked as unspoken words of promise drifted between them.

The funeral took place a few days later. There were 200 people in the church, including Mitch Williamson and all of Ashley's ballerina and dancer friends from New York. Emily sat next to Kevin. She hadn't said a word since her mother had died. She just stared at her mother's coffin. Christine, Stephen, Sue, Ann, and Don all said a few words with Kevin giving the eulogy. Kevin had asked Brian to sing a song and he sang "I Will Remember You."

The interment followed at the same cemetery where Ashley's mother was buried. As the coffin was lowered into the ground, Kevin took Emily's hand and walked over to put flowers on the grave. He looked at Emily, "Do you want to say something honey?"

She threw a single flower on her mother's coffin and said, "Mommy, don't leave me."

Those were the last words Kevin would hear from her for a long time. Kevin bit his lip and threw some flowers on the coffin. "I love you Ashley. I won't say goodbye because I know we'll meet again someday." He blew a kiss towards the coffin. He took Emily's hand and with final glance at the coffin, he walked off towards a new life without Ashley.

The first three months following Ashley's death were the most difficult for Kevin. There were days when he missed her so much that he thought the ache in his heart would never go away. Christine came by every day to see him and Emily, who had never recovered from the shock of her mother's death. The once happy, laughing child was now silent and sullen. She had not spoken a word since that day. Kevin had taken her out of school. He took her to specialists and they all told him that she was still in shock and it might take quite a while before she spoke again. They called it mild Catatonia and suggested that he admit her into a home where she could be cared for until she came out of it, but Kevin wouldn't hear of it. He took her home and every day he read to her, taught her, and sang to her. Even though she didn't talk to him, he saw the flicker in her eyes and knew she understood what he was saying. She was also plagued with nightmares and the only time Kevin heard her voice was when she cried out in her sleep. It was always the same, "Mommy, don't leave me." The last words she had spoken when she was awake. It tore Kevin and Christine's hearts to see her like this. As the months went by, Kevin began finding it extremely difficult trying to raise Emily, help her, keep house, and keep his many commitments to the Backstreet Boys. He had a lot of rehearsals for their upcoming North American tour in 2000 and he was only getting about four hours of sleep a night. Emily's condition was worsening and he was glad that Ashley wasn't here to see her like this. It was beginning to take its toll on him. In December 1999, he was at his wit's end. Out of desperation he asked Christine if she would move in with him and help him out. Christine immediately agreed. They had grown closer in the three months since Ashley's passing and she was the only one Kevin would and could confide in. She let him cry, rant and rave, and never judged, criticized, or laughed at him.

The BSB started their tour in February 2000. Kevin took Christine and Emily with him. They also had a doctor on hand for Emily. Denise McLean offered Christine a job as her PR assistant. Sue accompanied Brian along on the tour. Ann had long since gone back home to New York.

One night in New York City, during a performance of "I'll Never Break Your Heart," Brian stopped singing, jumped off the stage, and walked over to the front row where Sue, Ann, and Maria were sitting. He got down on one knee, took Sue's hand into his and said, "Sue, you know that I'll never break your heart. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

Sue's eyes bulged out of her head, she screamed "YES!" and promptly burst into tears. They were married four months later in June 2000 in Sue's hometown of Scarsdale, New York. Nick was best man and Ann was Maid of Honor. Maria caught the bouquet and Nick winked at her. They were still together after one and a half years. She was still working with Fatima and loving it. Nick was now 20 and they had discussed getting engaged when he turned 21.

Ann was engaged to be married to Eric. Howie was happy for her and they still kept in touch. Eric had introduced Howie to his sister Dawn, and the sparks flew between them the instant they met. She spent a lot of time with Howie when they were in NY and the surrounding areas. Ann was happy for Howie, who seemed to have a permanent smile glued on his face ever since meeting Dawn. AJ had met a girl named Angie backstage when they did a show in Milwaukee. She was a reporter and flew to see him in most of the towns they performed in. When she wasn't there, they kept in touch talking on the phone every day. He was happy and he really liked her. He hoped things would work out between them.

Seeing the others so happy made Kevin ache with loneliness. He had written a song for their next album called "My Ballerina." It was a dedication to Ashley and writing it had helped him heal. He longed to have someone to hold again. He and Christine had been spending a lot of time together since they had hit the road.

One night in early July, Kevin was sitting on the balcony of his hotel room in San Francisco, staring out at the star-filled sky when Christine, who was sharing the room next door with Emily, walked out onto her balcony and saw Kevin. "Kev, you look like you could use a hug."

Kevin smiled weakly and whispered, "I could use a whole lot more."

He didn't think Christine had heard him, but she had. "Unlock your door, I'm coming over."

Kevin smiled at her and went to let her in. They sat on his bed staring at one another. Christine broke the silence. "Kevin, I want-"

She never got to finish as Kevin's warm lips landed on hers. When they pulled apart, Christine was so stunned, she couldn't speak. When she found her voice again, all she could say was "Oh my..."

Kevin burst into laughter. Christine thought she would never hear him laughing again. It was music to her ears. Then he got serious and said, "Christine, first of all, I want to say thank you. For everything you have done for me. For helping me with Em, for helping me heal, and most of all for loving me."

Christine couldn't look him in the eyes. She turned her face away. Kevin put his fingers under her chin, and pulled her towards him. "Don't pull away from me. I love you, but I'm going to be honest here. It's only been 10 months since your sister died and I still love her. I'm not in love with you yet..that'll take time for me, but I do feel something for you."

Christine grinned at him. "I love you, Kevin. I have for so long."

Kevin smiled, "I know." He lowered his lips to her in a passionate kiss. As Kevin's hands started roaming under her clothes, Christine let herself go with the feeling. They made love that night. It was gentle and tender. It was a new beginning.