Loneliness

January, 2000

It was beautiful day in Orlando. Howie sat on the front porch of his parents' house reading the latest issue of TV Hits. It was a Valentine's issue that featured Nick and asked him about his love life. Howie snorted as he read. What love life? he asked himself, snorting. Since when do we have love lives? If I could actually have one, I'd be a lot happier. That's what's been missing in my life. Someone to hold, to share my thoughts with, my happiness, and my fears. Someone to tell me "I love you Howie" and mean it.

But Howie had none of those things. Being a Backstreet Boy meant sacrificing many things, one of them being a serious relationship. If any of the guys were lucky enough to have a girlfriend, it was another sacrifice. Howie thought about AJ and Brian and how their girlfriends, Amanda and Leighanne, sacrificed a lot to be with them. But they were in love and they were happy. That's what counted. If only I could find that kind of love, Howie mused, I'd feel a lot better about myself.

But relationships didn't always work out, especially in the business they were in -- where the time with loved ones was limited. Kevin and Nick's long-term relationships had ended a few months back and both men were lonely and miserable. They were back to square one. Back to one-night stands -- the only way to relieve some of the loneliness they felt when they spent nine months on the road.

Their Winter 2000 tour was slated to begin in February in Pennsylvania. Howie put the magazine down and thought about the additional six weeks of touring. He didn't really want to do it, but he didn't have a choice. He couldn't let his fans down. He loved his fans, but he really wanted to ground himself in one hole long enough to look for true love. One-night stands were great once in while, but it was just sex, and it wasn't always good sex. A lot of the time he felt cheap and used. His heart was empty. I want someone who will feel something for me, he said to himself. Something other than ecstasy.

Howie thought about what Kevin had told him two weeks earlier. He needed to get out more. He got up and went into the house. He would take Kevin's advice. He picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number.

"Hello?" Kevin's deep, Kentucky-accented voice echoed through the wire.

"Kev, it's me. Are you still going to Club Illusions tonight?"

"Yea, Howie, I am. You comin' this time?"

"Yea, I'm bored."

"Great! I'll pick you up at 10:00."

"Sounds great. See you then," Howie said, hanging up.

*******************

Kevin and Howie walked into Illusions. It was mildly packed. Kevin grabbed Howie and headed to a table in the corner. Howie saw that Brian and AJ were there with their girlfriends.

"Hey D! You made it this time!" Leighanne exclaimed, kissing Howie on the cheek.

Howie laughed. "Yep! I decided to get a life. Maybe if I'm real lucky, I'll meet Mrs. Right tonight." He looked around. "Where are all the hot babes?"

AJ rolled his eyes. "D, you blind man? Just look around you. This place is packed with a bevy of stunning creatures."

" 'Scuse me?" Amanda said, her eyes narrowing.

AJ quickly grabbed her hand and kissed it. "Not that I'm looking at them. No, no, no dear! You're the only beauty for me. I meant, you know....you're not buying this are you?" he asked meekly, as Amanda sat there, arms folded.

"Nope. But you tried." She giggled and kissed him lightly. AJ breathed a sigh of relief. He loved Amanda, but when she got mad, watch out. She was a force to be reckoned with.

Brian nudged Howie. "D, that chick over there is staring at you."

Howie's head flung around, doing a 180. "WHERE? What chick?" he asked, craning his neck to see who Brian was talking about.

"Brian, please refer to us as women and not chicks," Leighanne gently chastised. "It's degrading." She looked at Howie. "That woman in the blue dress over there."

Howie looked over to where Leighanne was pointing and his heart jumped in his throat. She was looking right at him. Their eyes met. She was stunning. Absolutely stunning. And she was coming over. Howie started to panic. What will I say? he asked himself. Maybe she just wants my autograph. She's probably a fan. Howie was glad for the darkness of the club. He was acting like a teenager with raging hormones and didn't want her to see how red his face was.

"Hi there!" the woman chirped brightly, looking at Howie and winking seductively.

Howie was actually stunned speechless. He, who everyone claimed had a big mouth and talked too much, couldn't think of a thing to say. Luckily AJ came to his rescue.

"Hi, wassup?" AJ asked in his usual ghetto slang.

"Not much," she said, looking at AJ. "I was looking for a dance partner and your friend here seemed lonely so I thought I'd ask him to dance." She looked back at Howie, smiling. "How does that fancy you?"

"Uh...I...yea...ok," Howie stammered, feeling his face heat up.

"Howie's the spokesman of the group," Brian blurted out, laughing.

"Howie? Group?" she repeated, looking confused.

"Sorry. Where are my manners," Howie said, finding his voice. "My name's Howie. I'm part of a group called The Backstreet Boys. I'm surprised you didn't recognize us."

"No. Are you popular?"

Everyone giggled. This woman had obviously been living in a box for the past year. She'd never heard of the BSB and she lived in Florida? Or at least they assumed she did.

"Yea, kinda popular," AJ said, smirking. "Do you live here?"

"Sure do. Right here in Orlando."

"We're based in Orlando," Brian said. "Wow! Someone from Orlando who doesn't know the BSB. That's a rarity. You can dance with Howie then." He chuckled.

"Thanks for your permission, Brian," Howie muttered and, taking her hand, led her out to the dance floor.

"Is something wrong with me tonight?" Kevin asked.

"No, why?" Brian asked.

"Cause not one woman in this place has given me the eye. I must be losing my touch." He slumped down in his chair.

"AWWW! Poor twain!" Brian laughed. "Want me to go find you one?"

"I don't think so, Bri. Kev can find his own woman," Leighanne said.

"I just hope Howie gets laid tonight," AJ added. "He's been so lonely. And look at her. What a stunner!"

Amanda eyed him again. "Ok, buddy, Howie may be getting some tonight, but you aren't. That's twice now that you've made references to other women in my presence."

"Relax babe. I was just playin." Amanda ignored him and looked out at the dance floor.

*******************

"You smell good. What cologne are you wearing?" the woman asked Howie.

"Cool Water," Howie replied, staring at her. He couldn't take my eyes off her cleavage. Her v-cut dress dipped dangerously close to her breasts -- just enough so that he could see the sides of them. The blue material was so thin that Howie could see her nipples through it. It was driving him insane. She pulled him closer and he took this as an opportunity to run his hands up her back and touch her hair. She was blonde with slight curls that reached the top of her shoulders. Howie couldn't see the color of her eyes, but they gleamed. Her skin was flawless. She was almost too perfect to be true. Her body was lean and she stood about 5'5. They continued dancing until Howie realized that he didn't even know her name. He pulled away a bit and looked at her.

"You haven't told me your name," Howie said, smiling.

"Cassandra Woodland," she purred, giving him another seductive wink.